Whose life is it anyway?

Just can’t stay away from this one, the more I try the more I keep get pulled in. And I have to say it loud and clear. This is my viewpoint, and it worked for me.

This post is a response to Nitin’s and G.Vishwanath’s comment on IHM’s post

If it’s a love marriage, I bet you loved him because he did your bidding. That is until he was pitted against his parents. A man is either independent, or he will be a mama’s boy/jhoru ka ghulam, depending on perspectives. Dont expect your husband to be your shield, if you are independent enough and tactful enough to manage situations.

That’s insulting. No woman worth her salt will want a puppet for a husband. Being independent means being able to think for oneself, clearly and not get influenced by emotional factors. How many men can do that? Can you? I know I can.

A woman leaves everything behind to live with the husband, its not the other way around. She is not expecting him to be her shield, but have the courage to stand up and defend her when she is being insulted. Would you like it if your wife just sat smug while u were being insulted and actually told you that you deserved it? Wouldn’t you want your wife to defend you?

We do have older generation’s point of view. Yet I don’t get how insulting another human being is justified. They are parents themselves and yet they sit and insult another’s parents? How can that be justified? Is it even respect worthy? How does one, the daughter in law for one, respect such people? Hell, even animals are respected for who they are. So why not, the daughter in law? She is human after all.

And the women who undergo this – why are you doing this to yourself? It is your life, please take charge of it. If you cannot respect your life, how can you expect others to respect it? And when you have a child of your own, what kind of a message are you sending to him/her? That it is absolutely OK to be treated this way or be the one hurling abuses? Yes, you might not be getting physically abused, he might be loyal, but this is emotional abuse and it is just as cruel. And yes, it does amount to Domestic Violence.

And to those who daughter’s are going through this.. Why? Why do you parents let your daughters stay in a sad, cruel relationship? Support her. She is a human and deserves to be treated like one.

Love marriage or Arrange marriage, ultimately it all boils down to Honesty, Loyalty and Respect. Actually Respect . A man who doesn’t have the spine to stand up for a woman, who left everything behind to be with him, doesn’t deserve her. The man who needs his mum’s permission to be a good husband and a father, just because his mom is around is not worth it. Love can only take one so far.

Take charge of your life, woman. Simply, cause its yours. And have courage, lots of it, will get you through your life.

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14 thoughts on “Whose life is it anyway?

  1. Here, after a long long while! Sorry about that 🙂

    This one is to be underscored, each word of it! When a woman marries, in that very act there is much trauma, whether it is an arranged marriage or a love marriage. The trauma is always, but always more for the girl, I have seen.

    And beyond that what comes after, in the form of subtle or in your face verbal (I'm not even talking of the physical, or the fidelity aspect!) abuse is just too much! I think the conditioning is so deep that we, more often than not, give in. But with the paradigm shift in women's perceptions of themselves, there is however a small re- routing of one's own priorities. High time it happened. As you say…”Take charge of you life, woman!”

    Nice one, ImpsMom!

  2. Would you like it if your wife just sat smug while u were being insulted and actually told you that you deserved it? Wouldn't you want your wife to defend you?

    What some people seem to overlook is that on her own the woman can handle the insults fairly well, but the husband who refuses to interfere and defend her would not sit quietly if she does make an attempt to handle the situation on her own. What is expected of her is not only to manage on her own, but to manage it on their (husband's) terms – basically she is expected to allow his family to insult her.

    If the husbands truly left the handling her in laws to the wife, she would be able to convey that the respect has to be mutual and exploitation would mean her cutting off ties with them – most of the problems happen because she must not use her own judgment, capability or means to stop the abuse. And he won't either. The in laws know this too. Unlimited power and lack of accountability for the in laws lead to a lot of problem. Today when girls do have the option of walking out – they are walking out. This is a difficult change to accept by those who earlier took advantage of the unfair situation.

    So if she doesn't sacrifice and suffer and proves – happy or not, she wants the marriage to work, she risks being called a modern, independent woman (like what could be worst than that).

  3. Good Question.Whose life is it anyway? No one's life is just theirs. You belong to a community and most importantly you belong to a family. Even between spouses there are disagreements and issues. We all learn to solve them. Who supports whom then? Its always a personal issue. If your mom insults your husband or reprimands him for something, would you go against her as well? Relationships are sensitive. They have to be dealt that way. But of course, if the abuse goes out of hand, and your spouse doesn't support you at all, its time to get out of it. Yes, it is also a form of Domestic Violence then.

  4. @ DQMe – Belonging to community and family should mean everybody benefits, not just a powerful few. If some community or family members feel they are being treated unfairly they will be justified in no longer wanting to belong to the family or the community.

    And do you think it would be okay for a married adult's parent to insult their partners? I feel parents only do that when they feel their child would allow it. All family members – young and old, should be treated with respect. This is the foundation on which a family bonds.

    Also generally a woman's spouse is not insulted but pampered by her parents. And most women would support their husbands in most circumstances – because they are conditioned to treat them like their 'pati-parmeshwar'. Men on the other hand are warned against putting their wives before their birth families. This is a dis-balance, one partner is expected to treat her in laws and spouse like her world, another is conditioned to expect without giving.

  5. @IHM – Nope. Its not ok for a married adult's parents to insult their partners. But, it happens. All parents want the best for their child. If the husband is having a bad patch at work and is going through a financial crisis, the girl's parents at times find fault with the husband. Its but natural. Such things happen in life always. In extreme cases, yes, it should be stopped. All I am saying is that if all women are taught to think only about their feelings and to think only about the injustice meted upon them, then we are in for a terrible future. Every woman will want a way out of the marriage.

    I read the letter you got from the anonymous wife about her MIL whom she visits maximum of 10 days in a year. I mean come on, 10 days the husband sees his mother. You expect him to fight with her. He is definitely a mama's boy. But I wouldn't ever advice her to leave the marriage because of it. She will need to find a way to get him to support her, and if she loves him enough, she will wait for him to see the injustice in all this.

    • Why does she have to find a way to get him to support her? He should be worried too his spouse is feeling alienated and betrayed. Please read IHM’s comment above

    • “All I am saying is that if all women are taught to think only about their feelings and to think only about the injustice meted upon them, then we are in for a terrible future. Every woman will want a way out of the marriage. ”

      What is so wrong about all women wanting to leave their marriages? What is wrong with women thinking of their feelings? What is it that you are afraid of? That women will no longer wish to stay married, considering all the injustice they are treated with?

      Why is a future where women want to leave marriages “terrible”? Is it because you are afraid that men and their families will not enjoy unfettered privilege without accountability as they do now? Many Indian women have no idea how liberating and freeing a balanced and equal marriage is. They are conditioned to believe that it is their lot to suffer in silence, to tolerate insults and abuse from their in-laws silently.

      It is appalling that you find nothing wrong with such marriages where women are treated badly simply because our society turns a blind eye to their suffering.

  6. @IHM: Bang on as always!!

    DQMe: I beg to differ, individual live's living in community/society. All can live in harmony and peace with a simple rule – Give and get respect.

    And pls, 10 days the guy is with his mother, and instead of focusing on that, she chooses to insult his wife n her parents. Shower love on your son and if you cant do the same for his wife,be neutral, and see the difference it will create.

  7. How are we different in our thoughts? I, of all the people, will never justify the MIL. But its the wife's life and future. If the MIL is insulting her and family, its something that everyone needs to budge in and stop. Especially the husband. The wife, if I remember right, even said she didn't want to leave th husband for the fear that the MIL will be proven right! If thats not ego, then what is? Marriage is a balance, it takes years and lots of heartaches to reach it. I don't believe in encouraging the new generation to have broken marriages for such reasons. Be mature and sort it out! Confront the MIL! What worse can happen?

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